


104 Shenanigans

by doritoFace1q



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Eggnog, Free! - Freeform, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Levi is a good therapist, Responsible veterans, these cinnamon rolls deserve some fun, unrelated one-shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-08-16 22:50:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doritoFace1q/pseuds/doritoFace1q
Summary: 104 one-shots for the 104th and Levi (guest-starring the rest of the Survey Corps)Will probably be finished. . . I think.





	1. Captain Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Levi gains a newfound respect for psychiatrists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo.
> 
> I reread the first two chapters, realized I didn't like them, and redid the entire story.
> 
> Yeah.
> 
> EDIT 05/11/2019: I've found the original memes! They're going to be posted in the end notes :)

Levi looked up as someone knocked on his door. “What?”

            The door opened a sliver, and a blonde-haired girl poked her head in – Krista Lenz, if Levi remembered properly. “Yeah?”

            “Captain Levi, sir!” She attempted a salute, working around the piles of papers in her arms. It was a valiant effort, he supposed. “I was asked to deliver these files to you by Squad Leader Hange, sir.”

            “Tch.” Levi wrinkled his nose as she dumped the files on his desk. “Four-eyed freak,” he grumbled, pulling the top file closer to him. “Always pawning off their paperwork to me – did they sat what it was for?”

            Krista nodded. “They said it was the results of their experiments with the two captured Titans – er, Sawney and Bean? – compared to the ones she did with Eren.”

            “They,” Levi corrected, taking a sip of tea as he thumbed through the files. “Fritz’s dick, that’s a lot of experiments,” he muttered, frowning.

            “Right,” Krista nodded. “Sorry, sir!” She saluted again.

            “You can go now,” he said dismissively, frowning as he spotted a chart, titled _Nasal Mucus Procured by Pure Titans as Compared to Titan Shifters_. He was not looking forwards to looking over it (How did they even manage to get the data for that? Levi decided not to ask – some things were better left a mystery).

            Krista nodded, then hesitated. Levi looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Something wrong, Lenz?”

            “No, sir,” she shook her head, then hesitated again. Levi’s eyebrow drifted higher. “I –” she bit her lip. “You and Squad Leader Hange are really close,” she said lamely.

            Levi frowned. “I guess. Why, something wrong?”

            “No, sir.” She shuffled her feet. “Maybe,” she said quietly, slightly downcast.

            Levi nodded slowly. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, feeling a bit awkward. He was terrible with feelings, and ever worse with talking about them (him scaring away every therapist Erwin had ever tried sending him to was proof enough of that), but he had a feeling Krista just needed to rant.

            “Can I?” she asked.

            Levi bit back a sigh and gestured to the seat in front of his desk, pouring another cup of tea. He handed it to her as she sat down. “What’s the problem?” he asked.

            “I –” she took a sip. “I don’t want to be left alone,” she burst out.

            Levi stared at her, confused. “What?”

            “It’s just,” she looked down at her hands. “I know that being a Scout is dangerous – the Survey Corps has the highest death rate of all the military branches, and all, but I never really felt like it could happen to _me_ , you know? It’s like one of those awful things you hear about, but it never feels real, right? But during the Battle of Trost. . .” She took another sip of tea, her eyes becoming dangerously shiny. “So many of my friends just _died_. And nobody ever talks about them – I don’t hear any people in the streets talking about how brave Mina Carolina was, or anyone whispering about how Thomas Wagner helped save Trost. And I just feel. . .” she took a deep breath. “I’m just scared that the rest of my friends are going to leave me, too. And the worst thing is, I’m not scared of them dying, I’m scared of being left alone. I don’t want to be abandoned, and I –” she took another deep, shuddering breath.

            Levi now felt decidedly more awkward. He knew that many Scouts had similar heavy thoughts on their minds, but he’d never met anyone so concerned about it to this level. “Sounds like there’s a deeper issue going on here,” he took a sip of his own tea, offering her a tissue. “Have you ever had any abandonment issues in the past?”

            She dabbed at her eyes. “When –” she took another deep breath. “When I was little. . .”

            Levi held back a groan. _Why did I even ask?_

 

xxx

 

Levi stood from his desk, stretching as he yawned. _Finally_. He looked at the pile of paperwork on his desk. _Stupid Erwin and his stupid paperwork_. He glanced at the plush chair in the corner of the room, a blanket draped over the armrest. He yawned again. _Maybe I’ll actually use my bed tonight_.

            There was a knock on the door. “Captain Levi?”

            He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Who is it?”

            The door creaked open, and a nervous-looking boy peered in. “Are you in here, sir?”

            Levi rolled his eyes. “No, I’m speaking to you telepathically from Sina.”

            “Oh,” the boy (Bertolt Hoover, Levi believed it was) looked nervous, blinking as he sweated bullets. “I’m sorry, sir.”

            Levi made a half-sigh, half-groan. “Come in.”

            Bertolt stepped in, quickly shutting the door behind him. “Sir!” He stood in a salute.

            “What’s up?” Levi asked, looking up at the ( _much_ ) taller boy. “It’s nearly the middle of the night.”

            “I –” Bertolt continued sweating. “I didn’t know when else to see you, sir, you’re always busy, and I wasn’t sure when you’d be free, so –”

            “You came into my office at twelve in the morning?” Levi supplied. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, which was starting to ache from the effort of looking up at the boy. _Goddesses’ sake, he’s practically a Titan. What is Shadis feeding these kids?_ “What do you want?”

            “Krista said you talked to her,” Berolt burst out in a stream of words. “And that it really helped.” He stood there, stiff as a board, still sweating (if he didn’t calm down soon, Levi would have a whole river to mop up).

            “Something eating you?” Levi asked, looking up again. _Holy Titan asses, I could probably use on of his boots as a sleeping bag_. Bertolt squeaked, jumping slightly.

            “No, sir! I mean, yes, sir! I mean, not yet, sir! I mean, no! I’m not being eaten! What gave you that idea? I mean –”

            “Metaphorically, Hoover.”

            “Right!” Bertolt jumped into a salute. “I – I was wondering, sir, if I could – well, if you would – I mean –!”

            “Sit down,” Levi gestured at the chair that Krista had occupied earlier. Bertolt nodded, quickly rushing by him. _Maria, Rose, Sina, and above, if I were walking behind him and he stopped, I’d face-plant into his ass_. He scowled as Bertolt sat down. _I’m practically the same height standing up as him sitting down! Damn you, stupid gene pool!_

“Sir?” Bertolt looked at him, not even needing to look up.

            Levi sighed, leaning against the wall. “What’s wrong?”

            “I –” he took a deep breath. “I keep feeling like I’m not enough,” he said. “I mean, I was number three in our graduating class, but there are so many people who are so much better than me! The grades are really just a lineup, and there are so many people who definitely could have made number three or better if they tried.”

            _Inadequacy. Great_. Levi poured two cups of tea, handing one to him. “And even after that,” he continued, speaking faster now, sweat running down his face. “It’s just – there’s so much pressure to do well, because I’m a Scout, now, and I was in the top five, and even after that, there’s so many other responsibilities I need to carry out, and I just feel like I don’t deserve this, and I’ll never be good enough. . .”

            Levi nodded along, taking a sip of his tea, resisting the urge to hold his eyelids oen with his fingertips.

 

xxx

 

Levi didn’t even bother asking when Jean stepped into his office. He just sighed, setting two cups of tea on the desk and nodding at the chair in front of him. Jean sat down, picking up the teacup with a deep breath.

            “Well?” Levi took a sip of the tea.

            Jean took another deep breath (a bit too dramatically, in Levi’s opinion). “I know romance isn’t really all that important in the scheme of things,” he began. “But I just keep thinking – I mean, we’re probably all going to die before we reach ‘that age’, and isn’t it just important to embrace everything while we’re still here? I know that’s selfish and cliché thinking, but. . .”

            Levi groaned, dropping his head on his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of these are going to be based on memes/memos from Levi that I find online.
> 
> EDIT 05/11/2019: I found the original meme! https://i.pinimg.com/736x/7d/10/ca/7d10ca966936b8c5dcd0abc91abc3455--a-letter-attack-titan.jpg


	2. Freestyle!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ackerabs are examined with great intensity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 05/11/2019: I've found the original memes! They're going to be posted in the end notes :)

_That’s it!_ Levi stomped down the forest path, eye twitching dangerously. _I’ve had it with these brats! What the hell’s so interesting about a Maria-damned watering hole, anyways?_ He turned a corner, walking around a tree, and was greeted with an interesting sight.

            Jean and Eren stood nose to nose, glowering fiercely at each other, both of them wearing nothing but swimsuits. What looked like the entirety of the 104th graduates surrounded them, all looking more tense than on the battlefield.

            “For the last time!” Eren shouted. “I’m being Haru! You’ve made me be Rin for the past six times, and I’m not doing it anymore!”  
            “Like hell!” Jean countered. “You look more like Rin than me! And, besides, I’m clearly the superior swimmer!”

            “Bull _shi_ –”

            “What the hell is going on here?” The recruits froze, turning slowly to see a very short, and very angry Captain standing behind them, arms crossed as he glowered at them.

            “Sir!” they quickly saluted.

            “Don’t salute me when you’re half-naked, it’s embarrassing,” Levi snapped. “Now, care to enlighten me on what the Titan’s going on here?”

            “Jean’s being a stubborn asshole! Sir!” Eren shouted, slamming his fist over his heart again.

            “Eren’s being an uncooperative little shit, sir!” Jean did his own salute, looking anywhere but at Levi’s face.

            “Tell me something I don’t know,” Levi said dryly. “What I _meant_ to ask was why the Walls are you all standing shirtless around a giant puddle, when you were meant to be at training _two hours ago?_ ”

            All the recruits stiffened.

            “We have a perfectly good reason, sir!” Connie piped up, looking absolutely terrified (and wearing a styled blond wig, for some reason).

            “Oh, yeah?” Levi raised an eyebrow. “And what, by Zackly’s saggy left buttock, would that be?”

            “We’re roleplaying, sir!” Reiner, who was wearing a red wig and a girl’s high school uniform, shouted (Levi had a feeling he knew what he’d be having nightmares about later).

            Levi raised a hand with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Roleplaying,” he repeated.

            “The technical term would be cosplay, sir!” Sasha shouted, standing at attention, positively sweating with nerves.

            “And _Jean_ ,” Eren said loudly. “Refuses to let other people have a chance at the role! Sir!”

            “Eren –”

            “Enough!” Levi yelled, slashing his hands through the air. “Shut up, both of you! I don’t care what kind of weird fetishes you have –” Everybody in the vicinity spluttered with indignation “— but carry them out when you’re not supposed to be training! Now, put your clothes on – and take that skirt off, Braun, you’re traumatizing everybody – and go run twenty –”

            “Captain.” Everybody froze as Mikasa walked forwards, voice smooth, expression stone-cold. “Why not let us have the day off?”

            Levi narrowed his eyes, tilting his face up as Mikasa stepped closer. “Explain why I would do that, Ackerman.”  
            “Consider it a challenge.” Everybody gasped dramatically, and Levi’s eyes narrowed, silver orbs flashing dangerously.

            “Give me one reason to not put you on your ass right now,” he said, voice level.

            “You can try.” More cliché gasps. “But I have a better idea.”

            Levi glowered at the taller girl. “And what would that be?”

            Mikasa flourished, and everybody present practically screamed as her clothes flew through the air (Jean screamed the loudest of them all, falling back, clutching his nose as a gush of blood burst from them, Mikasa’s attire landed on his face).

            “See, that’s how you play Haru!” Sasha whispered to Connie excitedly.

            “Yeah, why didn’t we let her play him?”

            “Eren was feeling left out.”

            “Freestyle, Captain,” Mikasa said, glaring down at the short officer.

            “Go Mikasa!” Eren beamed, bursting with big-brother pride.

            Levi narrowed his eyes. “Fine, Ackerman.” More screams filled the air (mostly from the female population, but there was no shortage of manly, manly roars, either) as Levi stripped just as fast, clothes fluttering through the air (there was an immediate scuffle as 99.9% of the recruits began fighting over his shirt).

            Levi’s squad watched, holding their breath, hearts pounding, as Levi and Mikasa moved to the edge of the watering hole, leaning over, placing their hands on the ground as they got into position (the other recruits watched just as nervously, though they were slightly disappointed to find that both soldiers were wearing swimsuits underneath their clothes, although none of them could even to begin to fathom why). “Ready!” Ymir shouted, and both soldiers tensed.

            “Those triceps!” A girl watched, eyes sparkling, head resting in her hands.

            “Biceps!” Another squealed, wiping at the line of drool running down her chin.

            “Abs!” A third one’s mouth was open, ogling shamelessly.

            “Big toes!” A boy roared. The girls exchanged confused glances, quickly shifting away.

            “Set!” Ymir raised an arm.

            “His form is beautiful,” Armin commented, looking at Levi as he prepared to dive.

            “Go!” Ymir swiped her arm down.

            They were off like bullet. Mikasa began swimming the moment she touched the water, water bursting from the surface of the watering hole as she propelled herself across the surface, barely even submerged with the speed she was moving, her friends cheering.

            And Levi. . .

            Well. . .

            He sank.

            And just kind of hovered in the water.

            Panicked shouts of ‘Captain!’ burst out as the soldiers ran forwards. Levi burst out of the water with a gasp, coughing as the recruits pulled him out of the water. He shook his head, water droplets flying everywhere.

            “Captain, are you alright?” Sasha asked.

            “You can’t swim?” Connie asked at the same time.

            Levi shot them a look, remarkably dignified and aloof, considering he’d just almost drowned in a four-foot deep pond. “Of course not,” he snapped. The recruits stared at him, confused.

            “I’m _Rei_ , dumbasses.” Everybody _ooh_ ed and _ah_ ed at the words of resounding wisdom.

            (Nobody noticed that, during this entire display, Jean and Eren had been engaged in a scuffle in the corner, Eren having punched him after he found the horse-faced boy sniffing Mikasa’s shirt.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 05/11/2019: I found the original memes!
> 
> Freestyle, Corporal: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/25/09/ab/2509ab208f6cd3873006a80f2a63c02a.jpg
> 
> His form is beautiful: https://data.whicdn.com/images/117730148/original.jpg
> 
> Levi doesn't like Free!: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/505473558265331732/576990697111158806/Levi_doesnt_like_Free.jpg
> 
> This is hot: https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/651/943/dde.jpg


	3. Super Secret Meetings to Discuss Important Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the officers are responsible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW FAAAARRRR HAVE I FALLEEEEENNNN~ HOW LOOONNNNG HAS IT BEEEEENN~
> 
> EDIT 05/11/2019: I've found the original memes! They're going to be posted in the end notes :)

  1. **Twister**



 

“Captain!” Levi glanced up from the spoon he’d been inspecting to see a Scout holding a memo out to him. “The Commander requests your presence, sir.”

            “Why? Did he take a huge shit, or something?” Levi put the spoon down (absolutely filthy – if it wasn’t shiny enough for him to see himself, then it wasn’t good enough to eat from), taking the memo from the flustered recruit.

            His eyes narrowed as he read over the note. “Damn him,” he breathed as he reached the end.

            “Sir?”

            Levi crumpled up the note, shoving it into his breast pocket. “Alert my squad. Tell them I’ll be in a meeting for the remainder of the day.”

            “Sir?!” the Scout turned as the shorter man marched down the hallway. “Wait! What happened?”

            _I can’t believe him_. Levi sped up, breaking into a run as he charged towards Erwin’s office. _If he actually brought_ that _out. . . Sina’s tits, this is serious_.

 

“Are you sure about this, Erwin?” Mike’s arms were crossed, mustache furrowed.

            “I don’t get it!” Hange leaned forwards. “How could this happen?”

            “We’ve been double-crossed,” Levi clenched a fist. “There’s no other explanation. There’s a traitor in the room.”

            “But who?” Hange asked.

            Erwin smiled demurely. Levi’s eyes widened. “You –”

            “Sorry,” the Commander said sheepishly, showing them the spinner. “Left hand green.”

            The other officers broke into a chorus of complaints.

            “Son of a Nile!” Mike roared, maneuvering his left hand over Levi’s torso as the shorter man reached forwards under Hange’s arm, now splayed out impressively over the entire mat.

            “Go play hopscotch with a Jaegerist!” Levi shouted at the same time as Hange’s arms shook.

            “What the hell is a Jaegerist?”

            “Dunno, just sounded like a good insult.”

            “Sounds like a cult full of idiots worshipping a teenager with ego issues that’ll be animated in about two seasons.”

            “Yeah, probably.”

            Erwin spun the needle again. “Aaaaaannd. . . right foot yellow.”

            “Got to Mitras!” Hange’s shaking intensified as they moved their foot. “Woah –!”

            Levi swore as Hange tumbled into him, and Mike let out a manly, manly yelp as the tiny ball of rage crashed into his arm. Levi and Hange screamed profanities, limbs still tangled, as Mike collapsed on top of them, crushing his fellow Scouts with his impressive girth.

            The door crashed open. “Commander! I heard shouting –” Nanaba froze, staring at the scene in front of her.

            “Turn around, babe,” Mike said in a low, measured tone, Hange and Levi’s heads poking out from underneath him, wincing. “Turn around, and close the door.”

            Nanaba nodded slowly, backing out. The door shut with a click, and they all heard the unmistakable sounds of hurried walking as she rushed down the hall.

            “So, who wins?” Hange asked.

 

  1. **Monopoly**



 

“Eren! Hold on!” Mikasa called as Eren’s Titan thrashed, flesh trapped in the tree he’d formed around. “Just stop moving, okay!” The ground trembled, and she stumbled as Eren roared again.

            “Jesus Freckled Christ, hold on, Jaeger!” Jean shouted, steadying her.

            “We need to cut him out!” Mikasa shouted.

            “We don’t know what that’ll do to him, though!” Armin yelled. “Or the tree!”

            “You’re worried about the _tree?_ ”

            “We need to get the Captain! And Hange!” Sasha squeaked as the ground jolted, flying a few inches into the air before landing on her rump. “Ow. . .”

            “They’re in a meeting with the Commander. I’ll get them!” Jean turned, running towards the castle. He panted as he raced up the stairs and charged down the hallway. He paused at the door, hearing loud, heated arguing from inside. He wavered for a moment, considering the ramification of his personal health if he were to burst in on an angry *insert any psychopathic veteran here*, but a loud roar, followed by the walls shaking and a shrill “ _JEAN!_ ” that carried across the training field were quick to urge him on.

            “Commander, sir!” He flung open the door, snapping into a salute. “Apologies for interrupting, sir, but we have a Class Jaeger emergency –!” he paused.

            Mike stood next to the table, fists raised, glaring furiously at Levi, who stood on the table, feet planted on a Monopoly board, pieces and cards scattered everywhere, brandishing a dagger at the taller man. Hange sat at the table, watching with obvious amusement, fanning themself with a handful of Monopoly money, while Erwin sat across from them, a long-suffering expression on his face, carefully guarding the stacks of money in front of him.

            “I should have killed you when I had the chance!” Levi yelled, holding the knife in Mike’s face.

            “I should have kept your face in that puddle until you drowned!”

            “Uh. . .” Jean watched, jaw hanging open. Hange waved cheerfully at him.

            “I _own_ Park Place!” Levi hollered, pale face tomato red with fury.

            “I was on _Waterworks_ , you overglorified runt!”

            “You cheated, you big-ass tree!”

            “Eren’s growing around a tree,” Jean attempted weakly.

            “ _Waterworks isn’t anywhere near your stupid Park Place!_ ”

            “ _Maybe spend some more time learning the rules instead of grooming that shoe brush under your nose!_ ”

            “ _What did you just say about my mustachio?!_ ”

            “ _You heard me!_ ”

            “It can wait,” Jean said weakly as he slowly backed away. He slammed the door, turning on his heel, and racing back down the hall.

            “ _JEAN!_ ”

 

  1. **Eggnog**



 

“What do we do with all this?” Connie stared at the crates of eggnog stacked up in front of the castle.

            “Can’t we just drink the damn stuff?” Jean aimed a kick at one of the crate, and the multiple bottles inside rattled.

            “Nah, it’s alcoholic.”

            “So we’re old enough to get drafted into the military and be eaten alive by naked giants, but not to drink?”

            “Yup, sound about right.”

            “Well, not like we get to choose, anyways,” Eren sighed. “The Commander’s having a meeting with the Captain, Mike, and Hange later about what to do with it.”

            “Knowing him, he’s probably just going to send it back with a note and bouquet of flowers,” Jean sighed. “Waste of eggnog.” Mikasa hummed.

            “Nothing to do about it,” she shrugged. “We should just trust the Commander.”

 

Erwin closed the door. “Sorry I’m late, I got held up. The Scouts want to drink the eggnog.”

            “It’s fine,” Levi nodded at his seat, and Erwin sat.

            “So, what are our thoughts?” Erwin asked.

            “It might be a bit too soon,” Mike said.

            “No, I think it’s just about right,” Hange contemplated. “Hey, Erwin?”

            “Yes?”

            Hange held up a bag of crackers. “Snacks were optional, right?”  
            Erwin nodded. The other officers cheered, raising their bottles of eggnog.

            “To disposing of the damn eggnog.”

            “To disposing of the damn eggnog!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 05/11/2019: I found the original meme!
> 
> Super secret meeting to discuss important things: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/505473558265331732/576991540816248853/important_meetings.jpg
> 
> Erwin likes eggnog: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/505473558265331732/576991872598409244/Erwin_likes_eggnog.jpg


End file.
